Hello, I’m a grateful recovering alcoholic and addict named Ray. Thank you for inviting me to share this and I’ll get to why I label myself as grateful through this personal testimony of experience, strength and hope of how I recover daily from substance abuse. I choose to live completely free of all mood and mind altering substances- because for me a drug is a drug is a drug is a drug. Personally I even choose to use mouthwash without alcohol in it because the type of alcoholic and junkie of my caliber will abuse it thus setting in motion a phenomenon of craving that can’t be stopped with my own human powers.

It doesn’t matter to me how you find recovery and I’m not here to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, I’m just sharing what works for me to live happy joyous and free. I have a higher power of my own conception that has blessed me everyday of my life, even when I wasn’t good to him. I was raised religious and have thrown those ideas out of the window long ago, I had to in order to achieve lifelong sobriety. So believe me it’s not your typical “bible” god you hear about and your own conception is yours so don’t misconstrue the fact that THIS IS JUST MY OWN STORY. I’m not religious at all but rather spiritual.

All you need to know is I’ve done every drug under the sun and drank like a fish. I don’t like to get into war stories because it will separate me from everyone else as people will compare having experienced or not experienced what I have. I ASK YOU TO IDENTIFY AND RELATE RATHER THAN DISCARD AND SEPARATE. The main fact is that I suffer from addiction the same as everyone else and our journeys here don’t matter as much as that were all here together looking for the same solution – living life on life’s terms without mind and mood altering substances. The story doesn’t matter but the point is I’ve been arrested, totaled cars, lost money and homes, lost family and friends and been in numerous hospitals and detox, OD’s and I’ve been homeless and used rain water with broken needles to shoot dope. I’m the junkie that heard about someone dying and think  that’s some good Hi need that it’s fire. They just don’t know to bang it properly.” I’m the guy that speedballs ice and H and gets an abscess and wears a sweater in °94 FL weather. I’ve robbed from family, my friends and strangers- pretty much when I met you I judged you by what you had I could steal. I was all set and planning on what you could get me or what I could take from you. I based our potential friendship off how useful you’d be to manipulate and bamboozle. I’d promise to pay you back double whatever on X date then change my number. When you saw me weeks later I’d roll a story off my tongue so believable you’d feel compelled to believe it. When you did I’d do it again because I’m a master manipulator. I’m a hustler and a chameleon. Remember this fact- I’m A HUSTLER.

I tried to fill a spiritual void and terminal sense of lack with: drugs, alcohol, women, sex, money, scratchoffs, attention and food – anything to change the way I felt inside. I’m a trashcan junkie and a relief seeking missile. My family loved me the best they could but I required a different type of love – comradery and understanding. My family told me to stop doing what I was doing and I should love myself. They told me I was raised better and the truth is I was and I wanted to stop more than anything in the world – but self will wouldn’t serve me. I never was understood for my thoughts and actions but now I have people that finish my sentences or cut me off and say “It’s ok me too, it’s ok I get it, It’s ok you’re not a freak.” My mom is an addict and left when I was 2 months old and I used that as my biggest excuse and resentment- that my mother was an addict so I am too and if my own mother can leave me, everyone else will too. That incident is the biggest part of my story as it set me up for fear of women, love, abandonment, trust and failure. It caused me to live my whole life with the ideas that everyone was out to get me and leave me so I “had to get you before you got me”. Truth be told those ideas were fancied and I have long since dropped them and forgiven my mom. She did the best she could for me and I ended up exactly where I should be.

I left Tampa in 2011 at 22 years old with the notion to get off of heroin and I would continue drinking and smoking weed. In my 90 day treatment I was exposed to some other ideas and a new design for living through self-sacrifice, helping others and trusting a power greater than myself. I didn’t have a family anymore or a pot to piss in so coming to Daytona to live in a sober living sounded like a great idea. It took me months to get a week sober as I was in and out. I ended up building a new life which resulted in all the material success and external things that I could ever ask for. The same things that failed me before but I have a brain that convinces me that “If only I had this and this and this I’ll be sober and happy. I can have one drink I’ll be ok. They don’t understand me”. Truth is for someone like me all I need is to strive for a power greater than me and to help others by giving away what was so freely given to me- HOPE. I stayed sober until 2014 by the grace of god and then had one drink after picking up my 3 year medallion and had a needle in my arm 2 hours later. I crawled back 7/25/15 not having lost anything materially but having experienced the emotional and spiritual bankruptcy strong enough to make me never want to feel that way again. It’s referred to as pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

I finally “got done” and now live everyday by serving others and carrying the message of recovery from any type of addiction as possible. I trust god, clean house and help others. I used to be ashamed I was a junkie but now I wear it like a badge of honor as I now realize my greatest struggle is my biggest asset. I searched for a sense of belonging and purpose my whole life and have found it now- intensive work with other addicts.

REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I WAS A HUSTLER? I NOW HUSTLE WITH A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS GODS BLESSED ME WITH THAT I PAY TAXES ON AND HAVE AN EMPLOYEE THAT’S A RECOVERING ADDICT. I NO LONGER HUSTLE ILLEGALLY OR IN DOPE OR IN LARCENY. I NOW HUSTLE HOPE AND LEGAL SKILLS. I’m truly blessed today and wouldn’t give up my worst day sober for my best day high. I face adversity all the time but no matter what happens in my life externally it will never be as bad as the day before I walked in as long as I never put another substance into my body. I’m powerless over everything in my life but I have a program of action and spiritual principles I practice in ALL my affairs to the best of my ability and when I fall short, I rectify them. I’ll never be perfect but if I continuously ask my HP to keep me sober and constantly carry the message of recovery, I’ll have my self-worth. I now love myself enough to never need a mood and mind altering chemical and I recognize my disease as cunning, baffling and powerful. I wish all of you all the prosperity in the world and may all your dreams come true. I’m rich nowadays as I have something money can’t buy: self-love and a sense of purpose. I will gladly give up any amount of time and talk to anybody about a new way of life- free of charge.

Back in the day I wouldn’t give a cigarette away for free but now I understand all I really have is time- borrowed time that I need to pay back to society. I chase my program high like the dopeman high and just for today I haven’t found a reason to drink or use; tomorrow is a different story but It’s one day at a time. The people that walked before me brought me to where they’re at and I build my life around the same philosophy. I love going to the prison every Wednesday and other aspects of my program of recovery. I have a family back in my life and friends who genuinely care for me, because I genuinely care for them. I no longer wake up dopesick having to drink a beer or do half a shot of dope to feel normal enough to get out of bed. I now wake up with a sense of purpose and get with my higher power and text other addicts to ask “ lets talk about you, not me”. It works if you work it and believe me- you’re worth it. I love you guys and I was once a hopeless dopefiend and now I’m a dopeless hopefiend. My God is good all the time, even when I wasn’t. He’s forgiving and not keeping a scorecard tracking my Transgression’s waiting to punish me- I do that fine all on my own. Recovery is out there for the taking- so let’s Nike this deal and just do it.